June 18, 2007
The Chinese Censor Pirates 3
China censors "Pirates" for "vilifying Chinese" - Reuters.com
That's hilarious!
Posted by Addison at 11:21 PM | Comments (1)
June 02, 2007
Porn
Posted by Addison at 04:55 PM | Comments (3)
May 24, 2007
Trapped In The Drive-Thru
This video is hilarious! Be sure and watch the whole thing.
Posted by Addison at 04:27 PM | Comments (2)
May 09, 2007
Morbid Fragrances
Always wanted a unique smell for that special someone? The search is complete with the launch of a new line of Fragrances from Addison Todd Apparel called Morbid Fragrances.
This special line of scents cater to the unique among us.
First on the lineup is a scent titled "Bloody Crush". A subtle scent mixture of blood, mixed with crushed roses, this scent is a subtle but dynamite scent.
Next, a hot new scent titled "Jack the Ripper". This fragrance is for killers. It combines the powerful scent of a sweaty body, with the hint of dirt and a trace of blood.
Third, the strongest of the new fragrances on the new lineup, a scent titled, "The Living Dead". This scent gracefully kicks you in the groin. A strong smell of dead, rotting flesh, it has traces of dirty bodies, and blood. This fragrance is also available in a box gift set that includes a sawed off 12 gauge shotgun, black fingernail polish, and a copy of the feature film "Shaun Of The Dead" on DVD.
Hurry and order these fragrances today!
Posted by Addison at 07:04 PM
April 24, 2007
Ponder
Don't know why I'm posting this... really don't...
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole Box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze These dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to think that an oyster must taste good?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they have Braille and picture menus in the drive through?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What happened to the people that tested preparation A thru G ?
I don't know why I took the nearly two minutes it took to format that and put it on here... this is like the most useless post ever... for me anyway...
Posted by Addison at 03:30 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)
January 25, 2007
George W. Bush's kids
This is an interesting site. They are mighty cute.
Posted by Addison at 11:47 AM | TrackBack (0)
October 05, 2006
The Ultimate Yo Mamma Collection
Found these on another site. Enjoy!
Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move out of the way.
Yo mama's so fat n black, she jumped in the ocean and they thought she was an oil spill.
Yo mama's so fat that she has TB... two bellies.
Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her thighs.
Yo mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall!
Yo mama's so fat, after she got off the carousel, the horse limped for a week.
Yo mama's so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor.
Yo mama's so fat, all the chairs in her house have seat belts.
Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that says: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
Yo mama's so fat, and her back is so crooked, when she lays down...people say "I didn't know we had mountains."
Yo mama's so fat, and you're so poor, when she comes in your house the tires pop.
Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
Yo mama's so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirits.
Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks.
Yo mama's so fat, even Richard Simmons laughs at her.
Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
Yo mama's so fat, God created her, and on the seventh day he rested.
Yo mama's so fat, her back has it's own congressman.
Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
Yo mama's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.
Yo mama's so fat, her belt size is the equator.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is rocky-road.
Yo mama's so fat, her car is made of spandex.
Yo mama's so fat, her car is made out of spandex.
Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Yo mama's so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial.
Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
Yo mama's so fat, her favorite blouse is a tent.
Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is "wow."
Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames.
Yo mama's so fat, her skates went flat.
Yo mama's so fat, her tailor takes her measurements in light years.
Yo mama's so fat, her yearbook picture is an aerial.
Yo mama's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat.
Yo mama's so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her.
Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.
Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
Yo mama's so fat, I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.
Yo mama's so fat, I saw her in New York, and when I told my friend in LA, he'd seen her too.
Yo mama's so fat, if she wears fishnet stockings, they'd better be 50 pound test!
Yo mama's so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance!
Yo mama's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet.
Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levi's 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's.
Yo mama's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.
Yo mama's so fat, Jenny Craig did a credit check.
Yo mama's so fat, NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozone layer.
Yo mama's so fat, NASA orbits satellites around her.
Yo mama's so fat, no one can talk behind her back.
Yo mama's so fat, on a scale of 1 to 10, she's a 747.
Yo mama's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.
Yo mama's so fat, one day when she got in a fight the person fighting her got lost in her.
Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Yo mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a triet... She be like "What y'all eating? I'll try it!"
Yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg and gravy dripped out.
Yo mama's so fat, she bungee jumped and went straight to the bottom.
Yo mama's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't lose weight, only find it.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't reach her back pocket.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't tie her own shoes.
Yo mama's so fat, she could go a week without eating and still not lose weight.
Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade.
Yo mama's so fat, she DJ's for the ice cream truck.
Yo mama's so fat, she don't eat Wheat Thins, she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo mama's so fat, she don't know whether she's walking or rolling.
Yo mama's so fat, she eats biscuits like tic tacs.
Yo mama's so fat, she eats cereal out of a satellite dish.
Yo mama's so fat, she eats pumpkin pies like Skittles.
Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama's so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
Yo mama's so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!"
Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on the water.
Yo mama's so fat, she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-gosh-it's-coming-towards-us!
Yo mama's so fat, she gets her toenails painted at Earl Schieb's.
Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.
Yo mama's so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says "Okay."
Yo mama's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"
Yo mama's so fat, she had to roll over 4 times just to get an even tan.
Yo mama's so fat, she has 48 midnight snacks.
Yo mama's so fat, she has a greater gravitational attraction than a black hole.
Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code.
Yo mama's so fat, she has more nooks and crannies than a Thomas' English Muffin.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change gears.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change the radio station.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to grease her hands to get into her pockets.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to keep pesos in one pocket and yen in the other.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to use a lawn chair instead of a Thigh Master.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to use sleeping bags for tube socks.
Yo mama's so fat, she has two stomachs: One for meat, one for vegetables.
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck.
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back and said "I'll wait my turn."
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the whales started singing "We are family!"
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama's so fat, she leaves stretch marks on the bathtub.
Yo mama's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen.
Yo mama's so fat, she looks like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man on steroids.
Yo mama's so fat, she made Richard Simmons cry.
Yo mama's so fat, she made weight watchers go blind.
Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.
Yo mama's so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a Tic-Tac.
Yo mama's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.
Yo mama's so fat, she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.
Yo mama's so fat, she needs a road map to find her back.
Yo mama's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Seattle, NY.
Yo mama's so fat, she plays pool with the planets.
Yo mama's so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet.
Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Yo mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat in Big Foot and made it a lowrider.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a dollar and made change.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a rowing machine and it sank.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on an Oreo and unlocked the magic.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on the corner and the police came & said "Break it up!"
Yo mama's so fat, she shops for clothes in the local tent shop.
Yo mama's so fat, she shows up on radar.
Yo mama's so fat, she smells like bacon at 90 degrees.
Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number.
Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said "Please step out of the car."
Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Sorry, we don't do livestock."
Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Get the heck off."
Yo mama's so fat, she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just said H d.
Yo mama's so fat, she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses a kiddie slide for a shoe horn.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses a pillow case as a sock.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses blanket as a washcloth.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses diet soap.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses hula hoops to hold up her socks.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses the carpet as a blanket.
Yo mama's so fat, she wakes up in sections.
Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her as a new world.
Yo mama's so fat, she was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade... wearing ropes.
Yo mama's so fat, she wears a hula-hoop for a belly-button ring.
Yo mama's so fat, she wears a VCR for a beeper.
Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone.
Yo mama's so fat, she wears an asteroid belt.
Yo mama's so fat, she went on a light diet... As soon as it's light she starts eating.
Yo mama's so fat, she went on a seafood diet... Whenever she saw food she ate it.
Yo mama's so fat, she went to a Chinese Restaurant and ordered a 40oz. of gravy.
Yo mama's so fat, she went to sit down and the chair begged for mercy.
Yo mama's so fat, she went to Sizzler and got a group discount.
Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!
Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's in feet.
Yo mama's so fat, she's got Amtrak tattooed on her leg.
Yo mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code.
Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Yo mama's so fat, she's half Indian, half Irish, and half American.
Yo mama's so fat, she's moving the Earth out of its orbit.
Yo mama's so fat, she's not kidding when she says "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!"
Yo mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
Yo mama's so fat, she's taller lying down.
Yo mama's so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot-dogs.
Yo mama's so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup.
Yo mama's so fat, the earth orbits around her instead of the sun.
Yo mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution! Wide Turn" sign.
Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Jordache jeans is real.
Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real.
Yo mama's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 she was on a scale.
Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store is the dressing rooms.
Yo mama's so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig is the door.
Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her weighs 50 pounds.
Yo mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes.
Yo mama's so fat, they changed my Physics book to say "What goes up must come down, except Yo mama."
Yo mama's so fat, they had to baptize her at Sea World.
Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
Yo mama's so fat, they had to install speed bumps at the all-u-can-eat buffet.
Yo mama's so fat, they have to run a relay race to get her belt through her belt loops.
Yo mama's so fat, they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping.
Yo mama's so fat, they used her for a trampoline at the Olympics.
Yo mama's so fat, we got her in the drive-in free by dressing her as a Chevy.
Yo mama's so fat, we're inside her right now.
Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper went off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo mama's so fat, when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back in bed.
Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
Yo mama's so fat, when it says all-u-can-eat it still ain't enough.
Yo mama's so fat, when she auditioned for a part in "Indiana Jones," she got the part as the big rolling ball.
Yo mama's so fat, when she backs up she beeps.
Yo mama's so fat, when she bends over we go into daylight savings time.
Yo mama's so fat, when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said "Sorry, we don't do curtains."
Yo mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
Yo mama's so fat, when she comes down the stairs she measures on the Richter scale.
Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
Yo mama's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip.
Yo mama's so fat, when she fell down the stairs, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
Yo mama's so fat, when she gets on the scale it says "To be continued."
Yo mama's so fat, when she gets out of the car, she leaves stretch marks.
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders "Thank You, Come Again."
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, little kids yell "Free Willy, Free Willy."
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks "Where can I try that on?"
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she takes up all the rings.
Yo mama's so fat, when she got on the bus she turned it into a low rider.
Yo mama's so fat, when she leaves the beach everybody shouts "The coast is clear."
Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "I give up!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gave her a dinosaur.
Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gave her the key to the store.
Yo mama's so fat, when she played hide-n-go-seek, she hid behind a water tower.
Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she play offense and defense.
Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she plays the interior line.
Yo mama's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.
Yo mama's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out.
Yo mama's so fat, when she saw a yellow bus going down the road she yelled "Hey! Stop that Twinkie."
Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.
Yo mama's so fat, when she sits in a chair, the rolls on her legs, cover her feet like a blanket.
Yo mama's so fat, when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on a train track, the warning lights went on.
Yo mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it says "One at a time, please."
Yo mama's so fat, when she swims, she leaves stretch marks on the swimming pool.
Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet.
Yo mama's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she travels, she's gotta make two trips.
Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
Yo mama's so fat, when she volunteered to clean cages at the zoo, people walked by and said "Look at the elephant!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she walks across the living room, the radio skips.
Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street everyone yells "Earthquake!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street, you can hear her hips saying to each other "If you let me by, I'll let you pass."
Yo mama's so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutes of your show.
Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she didn't get a birth certificate, she got blue prints.
Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a purple sweater people call her "Barney."
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a red dress people yell "Hey Kool-Aid Man."
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, kids think its the school bus.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people call her "Taxi!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don't show.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears heels, they're flats by the afternoon.
Yo mama's so fat, when she went to a dating service, they matched her up with Detroit.
Yo mama's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.
Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the Rose Parade they thought she was a float.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet.
Yo mama's so fat, when she works at the movie theater, she works as the screen.
Yo mama's so fat, when the cashier at KFC asked what size bucket she wanted, she said the one on the roof.
Yo mama's so fat, when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn't identify them.
Yo mama's so fat, when yo father fell in love with her he got lost.
Yo mama's so fat, you can't even see her legs, it just looks like she's gliding across the floor.
Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Yo mama's so stupid when she asked me what kind of jeans I wore, I said Guess and she said "Ah Levi's?"
Yo mama's so stupid, her shoes say TGIF- toes go in front.
Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.
Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail.
Yo mama's so stupid, I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it.
Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose.
Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power a flea-mobile around the inside of a Fruit Loop.
Yo mama's so stupid, if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
Yo mama's so stupid, if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd get change.
Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.
Yo mama's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store.
Yo mama's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911".
Yo mama's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
Yo mama's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.
Yo mama's so stupid, she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts of water in the box.
Yo mama's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
Yo mama's so stupid, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if I gave her two guesses.
Yo mama's so stupid, she died before the police arrived because she couldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1"
Yo mama's so stupid, she fell up the stairs.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got a part time job painting skittles.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got shot running to the border after seeing a Taco Bell commercial.
Yo mama's so stupid, she had Dan Quayle check her spelling.
Yo mama's so stupid, she invented a solar powered flashlight.
Yo mama's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo mama's so stupid, she married Yo daddy.
Yo mama's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.
Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."
Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put a peephole in a glass door.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gum ball to come out.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum.
Yo mama's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco.
Yo mama's so stupid, she said "what's that letter after x" and I said Y she said "Cause I want to know".
Yo mama's so stupid, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage.
Yo mama's so stupid, she stands up on an empty bus.
Yo mama's so stupid, she studied for a blood test and failed.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks socialism means partying!
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought hamburger helper came with another person.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on the VCR.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought meow mix was a record for cats.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she could get food stamps at the post office.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Thailand was a men's clothing store.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece of wood.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the Internet was something you catch fish with.
Yo mama's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read.
Yo mama's so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
Yo mama's so stupid, she took lessons for a player piano.
Yo mama's so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jiff.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown herself in a carpool.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to insult you and started with "Yo mama's so..."
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to mail a letter with food stamps.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to throw a bird off a cliff.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo mama's so stupid, she was locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
Yo mama's so stupid, she went on Double Dare and when they asked her name she said "I think I'll take the physical challenge."
Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed.
Yo mama's so stupid, she wouldn't know up from down if she had three guesses.
Yo mama's so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade.
Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband lost his marbles she bought him new ones.
Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one, she said "Ok, but what's the teams?"
Yo mama's so stupid, when I gave her a dollar and asked for a quater back, she gave me Dan Marino.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulls up to a flashing red light it sounds like this... Vroom, Screech, Vroom, Screech.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line, she put "O.K."
Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearview mirror, she turned around.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she went by the YMCA she said "Hey, they spelled Macy's wrong."
Yo mama's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she worked at McDonald's and someone ordered small fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone."
Yo mama's so stupid, when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved.
Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke."
Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.
Yo mama's so stupid, you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in her ears.
Yo mama's so stupid, you can tell when she's used the computer because there's White Out all over the screen.
Posted by Addison at 07:25 PM | Comments (13) | TrackBack (0)
September 19, 2006
Talk Like A Pirate Day
And I forgot all about it this year....
Posted by Addison at 06:59 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
August 11, 2006
Math 1950-2006
Read it all. Sad, but true.
Teaching Math
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The
counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents
from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she
hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction
to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
6. Teaching Math In 2006
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80
Posted by Addison at 10:01 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)
June 13, 2006
Link: Gnome Home
Gnome Home
Those that know me know that one reason I love Sean Hannity is because of the absolutely hillarious Roaming Gnome commercials from Travelocity. Well, The Gnome has a Home! On the net that is.
Posted by Addison at 01:12 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
June 07, 2006
Zen Sarcasm
1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. Duct tape is like The Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
17. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Posted by Addison at 12:12 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)
June 03, 2006
Dosing The Dew
Girl sabotages Mountain Dew with bleach. I'm pushing for the death penalty. Official documents available.
via The Smoking Gun
Posted by Addison at 09:56 AM
May 31, 2006
Who's on First Revisited
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new
leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of
the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought
he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new
leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the
U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a
glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the UN.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me
the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get
on the phone!
Posted by Addison at 04:09 PM | Comments (5)
May 29, 2006
Illegal Immigrants Poem
Slightly prejudiced, very funny, sadly true...
I cross ocean,
poor and broke,
Take bus,
see employment folk.
Nice man treat me
good in there,
Say I need to
see welfare.
Welfare say,
"You come no more,
We send cash
right to your door."
Welfare checks,
they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep
you healthy!
By and by,
I got plenty money,
Thanks to you,
American dummy.
Write to friends
in motherland,
Tell them 'come
fast as you can.'
They come in turbans
and Ford trucks,
I buy big house
with welfare bucks
They come here,
we live together,
More welfare checks,
it gets better!
Fourteen families,
they moving in,
But neighbor's patience
wearing thin.
Finally, white guy
moves away,
Now I buy his house,
and then I say,
"Find more aliens
for house to rent."
And in the yard
I put a tent.
Send for family
they just trash,
But they, too,
draw the welfare cash!
Everything is
very good,
And soon we
own the neighborhood.
We have hobby
it's called breeding,
Welfare pay
for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!
American crazy!
He pay all year,
To keep welfare
running here.
We think America
darn good place!
Too darn good for
the white man race.
If they no like us,
they can scram,
Got lots of room in
Pakistan.
Posted by Addison at 12:15 PM
May 27, 2006
Link: Tom Cruise Kills Oprah
Posted by Addison at 12:04 PM | Comments (2)
May 26, 2006
What an idea!
You really have no clue how many times I've considered this, only to dismiss it as "cruel and unsual"...
Posted by Addison at 12:02 PM
May 20, 2006
50 Things To Do In an Elevator
1. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dangit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, blasted motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "x-ray specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
Posted by Addison at 11:33 AM | Comments (8)
May 17, 2006
50 fun things to do on a final that doesn't matter
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the heck are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc.). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, and throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turret’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when he or she not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple-choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Screw this!” and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Act completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
28. Comment on how good the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!”
32. Bring a water pistol with you. ‘Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, and ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say, “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.
50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons why Professor xxxx is horrible”
Posted by Addison at 03:10 PM | Comments (11)
May 14, 2006
Link: Superhero Test
This is a test to determine what superhero you are most like. I don't know which ones it has. I suppose I could juggle the answers around a bit and see what come up, but it's really not worth it. Anyway, I liked it, and you will too. I came back as The Incredible Hulk. Odd, but okay.
http://www.matthewbarr.co.uk/superhero/
Posted by Addison at 05:17 PM | Comments (5)
